Happy New Year

Yay! 2009 is almost here; I'm ready to put 2008 to rest. I have been thinking about resolutions over the last few weeks. I kind of think they are pointless because I hardly ever stick with them. So, this year I have decided on 1 resolution. I'm going to resolve to have better dental hygiene in 09! I'm going to floss two times a day and keep a toothbrush and paste in my desk drawer at work.


Have a happy and safe New Year!

Connecticut Holiday

We're back, it was fun. Lots of family time, food and drinks.


Captain's Pizza, our favorite! Bacon pie with broccoli on half.


Snow!


My first hockey game. I really enjoyed it. 3 fights and some broken glass; very entertaining.


I have always wanted a big foam finger, but I settled for a foam paw.

We finished up the vaycay with a day in Queens. My awesome friend Meg let us crash at her place. It was a great way to end our trip! Christmas was super cool.

Merry Christmas!

I'm packed and ready to battle the chaos at the airport. Chris and I are off to visit the family in CT. Have a fabulous Christmas. love - Yasmine

Reflections

This year is quickly coming to a close. Oh-8 was filled with lots of highs and plummeting lows. January started off with a bang. Major surgery on my girly parts and a month of recovery. February we went right into clomid and IUI which resulted in nothing. March we tried injectable drugs and IUI = FAIL! The infertility roller coaster was plummeting towards hell. April brought new hope with IVF. Lots of drugs and many mood swings later we were pregnant. 6 weeks later I had a hemorrhage, which is very common, but caused some serious bleeding. Chris and I went to Hawaii for my birthday and had a great time; little did we know I was carrying around a dead baby. I had an appointment with my OBGYN a few days after we got back from vaycay and found out the baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks. We spent the rest of the summer grieving the loss of our dead baby and trying to figure out what the next step should be. In October I started seeing a reproductive acupuncturist. They said to hold off on trying for 12 weeks. I have been going twice a week since October and taking lots of herbs, charting my basal body temperature and focusing on my cervical fluid. Sounds like fun, right? When I look back on 08 this is what I think of. We spent another year of our life focusing on trying to have a family and yet we are still childless, to call me bitter is an understatement.
The good thing is that Chris and I are stronger than ever. His love and support have been what has saved me over the last 12 months. I know that we can take whatever life decides to throw our way.
We had our lil Christmas celebration with our fur children last night. We gave the pups some treats and exchanged a few gifts. He gave me a really sweet card and wrote "09 is going to be our year". I really hope it is. I do know that 09 is going to bring some changes. We are moving to a new house! Chris had it built a few years ago and because of the failing market it never sold.

A friend of ours is going to rent out our house, so we will still be able to use the pool in the summer. We are super excited. A new place to start out the new year. I think it's going to be great. I have found some hope in my struggle lately. I think the therapist has really helped. I plan on sticking with her indefinetly. Here's to hoping that 2009 brings us all we want and deserve.

Holdiay Memories

I grew up in the house with my mom and grandparents. Most of you don't know this, but I'm actually an illegitimate, love child. My mom got knocked up with me when she was 23. She ran off with my dad to Puerto Rico. When she was 7 months pregnant she returned to NY to live with my grandparents. She told me when she got off the plane my grandfather commented on her weight. Cathy gained above and beyond the recommended healthy weight for a pregnant woman. I think she said she weighed in at 190 when I was born. My mom was lucky enough to have two amazing parents; the best grandparents a girl could ask for.
The holidays were always a big deal in the Santoro house. Grandpa loved food and celebrating. Grandma loved to bake; we always had fresh cookies and tea breads. Mom always took me shopping. We would go to Manhattan and look at the windows at Lord & Taylor, Saks Fifth Avenue and Macy's. I always ended up getting a few things. Clothing or toys; sometimes both. I was beyond spoiled. Most people would call it rotten. Cathy would always buy herself a few nice items too. I fell in love with the shoe department in Saks at a very young age. Shoes are still my weakness! The days leading up to Christmas were always filled with decorating the house and trimming the tree. Grandma got me an advent calendar every year, so I always counted down the 12 days of Christmas; getting more and more excited as it approached. Cathy would take me to look at all the decorated houses on Pitkin Avenue and we would get cotten candy because Christmas lights always make me hungry. Christmas eve Grandma would spend the entire day in the kitchen preparing the feast of the 7 fishes. I hated fish when I was a kid, so I spent the day complaining about the gross smell in the house. Luckily, the feast was more than fish. We usually had Italian sausage and a few pasta dishes too. After dinner I would get to open one gift. Every year it was a pair of special Christmas pajamas. They probably thought maybe I would be more excited about going to sleep if I had a new special pair of pj's, but that was never the case. I would go to bed and lay there awake for hours. Sometimes I would doze off, but not for long. Once 6am rolled around I was up pestering the rest of the family to get out of bed. They gave in and I would rush to the tree to open the ton of prezzies that waited for me. I never realized how much stuff I got until I started going through old photos. I was amazed at the pile of presents under that tree. I would spend the day playing with my toys. Christmas night we would feast again. This time on baked ziti and lasagna. More cookies and cakes for dessert. Food=love when you grow up in an Italian family.
I started thinking about all of these great memories last night when I was baking my own holiday cookies. Using my Grandma's cookie cutters. All the wonderful holiday experiences I had as a child came rushing back. My Grandma used those cookie cutters to make me hundreds of cookies over the years and I plan on using them to make hundreds more. Everytime I use them I will think of her and how much she loves me. It's bittersweet. She passed them on to me because she no longer bakes; that chapter of her life is over. I'll carry on the tradition and hopefully my cookies will come close to being as good as hers.

Feeling IF

It's happening; rearing it's ugly head, my infertility. I feel it in my throat; stuck like a shard of glass stabbing me. I feel it in my stomach; making me anxious and uneasy. I feel it in my heart; I think that's where it hurts the most. My acupuncturist told me at my last visit "you should start trying in January", I always knew that was the plan, but to actually hear it.... All of those hard feelings came rushing back. How do I find hope? Where is it? Let me know if you see it and send it my way, because I need some. What I have realized is that no matter when we start trying again these feelings will always be there. So, it's not like I can wait a few more months and all of a sudden I'll feel great and excited. I will never be excited about trying to have a baby. We have a plan and that makes me somewhat more at ease with the situation. We will try naturally with the help of my acupuncturist until the end of June and if we are not successful then I'll go back to the RE. Sigh. I have decided that I can't do this alone. I need help. Somebody to talk to that won't judge me when I say things that most people would think I was crazy for thinking, that will give me suggestions on how to cope with the ups and downs. I need some form of Catharsis. I found a therapist that specializes in infertility psychotherapy, and we have had one meeting. I think it will be a good fit and I'm looking forward to seeing her again this week.

Gobble Gobble

We had a great Thanksgiving and I hope you all did too. I spent the day slaving away in the kitchen; swigging wine and thinking of Julia Child. It was well worth it! The food was amazing.

Roasted Turkey with Pancetta, thyme butter
Smashed Rutabaga with brown butter
Mashed Potatoes
Cornbread Stuffing with Sausage and Sage
Green Beans with Roasted Almonds and Caramelized Onions
Brioche
Cream Cheese Apple Pie

We ate and drank ourselves into a wonderful food coma. It was a superb day.