What on Wiikend

I can't believe is Monday already. The weekend flew by. Friday Chris and chillaxed at the house. I cooked up a healthy dinner - steal head trout with on top of a spinach salad loaded with veggies. It was delish! We watched "City of Men" the sequel to "City of God"; it was pretty good, but not as great as the first one. Saturday we had a couple of friends, Mark and Allison, from out of town over for grilling and drinks. I made cajun seasoned grilled shrimp kabobs, grilled sea scallops and grilled jalapeno chicken sausage. Mark mades some seriously good grilled okra and tomatoes. It was a feast. We managed to drink quite a few beers too. After dinner we busted out Rock Band for our Wii and had a blast playing some tunes. I'm an amazing video game bass player, super talented! Sunday we had breakfast at our favorite neighborhood Mexican restaurant, Casa Maria, they have the best migas in town. The heat on Sunday was unbearable, 102!! So, Chris and I hit the movies for a matinee and saw Step Brothers. It was quite raunchy and hilarious (two of my favorite things)! The weekend was exactly what I needed.

thoughts

The D&C was yesterday. It's done. It was quick and I don't remember much. I have been trying to wrap my head around what happened and I have had so many different thoughts. I still feel like shit, but it's getting a little easier everyday.
I think I'll head back to work next Tuesday. My friend Bobby was nice enough to tell my co-workers what happened, so I don't have to deal with any baby questions when I get back. They sent me a beautiful flower arrangement. I still haven't really talked to anyone but family. What is there to say? They say "I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say to make it better" and I sob and say "only time will make it better". I wish somebody could make it better for us, that would be easier than having to deal with all these emotions. I'm so thankful for the wonderful support system I have; all my friends (even if I'm not talking right now, I know they are thinking of us and love us), our families, and last but not least, my husband. Chris and I have been by each others side since Wednesday; going through the emotions together. I'm so thankful to have such an amazing, supportive, loving and compassionate husband. He is the best man, and I don't know what I would do without him.
It's time for a break. We need some time to heal and not think about infertility and babies. Our lives have been consumed with this journey since it began and it's time to let it go for a while. Chris and I both know we want to have a family one day, but we need a break. We are going to live our lives without this looming over us for a while. We need time to breath and think clearly, so we can figure out what step we want to take next. I'm going to continue to see my acupuncturist; to help with my painful menstrual cycles and my peace of mind.
Now it's time for a stiff drink and some herb.

goodbye

1. We had our dr. appointment this morning. Things didn't go quite as planned. The baby was measuring very small, 9 weeks 6 days and there was no heartbeat. Looks like our little cya didn't make it. We are devastated and need to mourn our loss. I'm scheduled for a d&c on Friday, since my body doesn't seem to want to have a natural miscarriage. I'm overwhelmed with emotions and questions that I know I'll never have the answers to. Dr. N said it was probably the hemorrhage that maybe caused the placenta to not fully attach. I don't know where we'll go from here. I don't know if I can go down the IVF road again. I just know that we are going to need some time to recover from this. I have never been this devastated.

13 weeks!

Woohoo! First Trimester is over. I have been feeling great lately. My clothes no longer fit and I'm OK with that. I have been wearing dresses and shorts; still haven't been able to find a pair of pants that fit me properly and maternity jeans are expensive. I got a really cute dress for my friend Heather's wedding. It was 50% off too. I refuse to pay full price for maternity clothes; it's a waste of money! We have an appointment with the Dr. on Wednesday for an ultrasound and an early screen test. I can't wait to see the growth our lil bean (prolly about the size of a peach these days) has had over the last 4 weeks. I'm pretty sure my clot/bruise is gone too!
On a different note, Hawaii was fabulous. We had an amazing time. Waikiki was nice; our hotel was super swanky. The beach was pretty, but very crowded. Maui was magical! The beach was gorgeous and not nearly as crowded as Waikiki. I have tons of beautiful pictures. I'll post some soon.